ramblings, rants & reflections

what is dark in me :: illumine ::


on love

relationship goals

today, jon learned about bitmoji and we created an avatar for him. this is the text i got.

girls, if your guy doesn’t send you bitmojis of him holding your deepest desires (also somehow your worst nightmare), he’s not the one.


when you know, you know

i saw a “modern family” clip of everyone confessing the moment they knew their spouse was “the one.” some admitted it took them a while and others knew right away. i started thinking about the moment i knew that jon and i would get married.

of course, that exact moment was very clear to me:

jon took me to utah’s lagoon amusement park for my birthday. it’s pretty much the closest place to a six flags or magic mountain in the mountain standard time zone. i love roller coasters and felt like cathartic screaming was birthday-appropriate. 

we drove down to utah on a friday night after work and stayed in a hotel so we could be at the gates when lagoon opened. before we drove to the park, we checked out hotel breakfast. and by “checked out,” i mean i set an alarm so i could be there the second the first hashbrown tray was set atop a benson burner. and then we ran down to the lobby.

hotel hot breakfast is basically one of my favorite things ever. i love the previously frozen reconstituted with whatever fluffy eggs (bonus if they are the pre-folded “omlete” with fake cheese stuffed inside) and toasting my own bagel and mixing orange juice with cranberry juice. hotel breakfast is just amazing. 

of course i loaded up my plate with all the goodies and we headed back upstairs, as i was practically salivating looking at the baby cream cheese container. i rushed into the room, sat my plate and cup down at the small room table, and went to eat my first bite.

and realized i neglected to grab cutlery.

i started with the random string of curse words and felt the sadness rise to my face at the thought of postponing hotel breakfast consumption.

then jon said, “don’t worry, i got you!” and handed me a fork. “i was watching you and saw you didn’t get one. so here.”

that’s when i knew jon is the one. he gave me a fork. 

and, he paid enough attention to the situation to be proactive instead of reactive. he has my back.

although jon reminded me that we had already been married for almost 2 months at this point. but whatever. when you know, you know.

when jon asked me to name my favorite part about our trip, i said “when you brought me a fork.” he rolled his eyes and seriously — to this day still — didn’t understand the significance of his actions. i asked him and he said, “when you kissed me on the ferris wheel.”

amazon rawr

I cried on my couch over a television commercial.

Maybe I was moved by a little Asian baby. Or by a loyal dog’s lonely gaze. Or because I still believe in humanity’s ability to think creatively to solve problems. Or because I just love Amazon Prime that much.

In case you need to just cry it out, here’s the tearjerker:

Now excuse me while I need to buy something from my Amazon Prime app after I wipe away a few more new tears after watching it again.


February 4, 2015 was a big day for me: I got an amazing bed tan, interviewed for my current job, and met Jonathan downtown for our official first date at the Matador. I love their carne asada tacos and I really love that they are only $5/2 tacos during late night happy hour.

Not only did the above day set in motion some pretty big life changes for me, but February 4, 2015 also serves as a glaring reminder that things are happening all around us that set future plans in motion. My younger brother got married in January 2015 — and his wedding was the only event I had listed on my 2015 calendar. On the plane ride home, I asked myself, “So now what. Everything that matters this year has happened. What am I going to do for the next 348 days.” On January 18, I did not know that I would soon receive a phone call from my good friend and colleague suggesting I consider changing my workplace. And I definitely didn’t know that I would be asking that same colleague to be my wedding photographer just 4 months later.

As you have read in recent posts, my relationship with life (with both enduring mine and with the general term “living”) is complicated. But let me assure you that February 4, 2015 proffered a series of events that rendered my January 2015 life plan unrecognizable.

February 4, 2016 celebrated my first first-date anniversary with Jonathan at the Matador in The Village. Because now I hang out at places that offer free parking and I really need to be in bed sooner than 1 AM.

For reasons yet to be determined, the universe has bestowed a love I will never deserve on my semi-unwilling self. Jonathan is the song in my heart that I find myself humming without having heard the lyrics; and he smells like home.


sticky note

lately, I’ve been surrounded by two extremes: those suffering from the god-complex and those hell-bent on underachieving. both types require attention, shitty situations, and are fueled with negative energy. perhaps you’ve also encountered the “i am so amazing/ this place would fall apart without me/ express your inadequate gratitude by permitting me to do absolutely nothing because work is for peasants” attitude. and maybe you’ve been unfortunate enough to also engage with the “meh/ typos galore/ i woke up like dis” asshole who can’t be bothered with a courtesy toilet flush in the shared workplace bathroom. as my blood pressure and heart palpitations will attest, i am steadily growing weary of my surroundings.

I’ve been playing bachelorette for a few weeks now with jon working out of state and have relished the solitude and opportunity for reflection. however, old habits die hard, and I find myself in one of three places: work, gym, or bed — in one of two moods: murderous or ready to die.

I recognize the darkness within my mind and struggle daily to find balance between bleak reality and hopeful living. perhaps my husband’s presence encourages me to be a softer soul and to utter kinder words. his love deserves a grateful heart; i am lucky to have his light fighting for goodness in my black, stone-cold universe.

in closing, i will leave you with one of my favorite comic strips, “pearls before swine.” consider thanking the people in your life who give you a hug after you scream “i hate everything” after you walk in the front door. we can’t live in extremes: the whole world doesn’t suck… just the majority of it and its inhabitants.


on humor

when idahoans glibly remark that californians suck at driving in snow, i am tempted to challenge said idahoan to picnic with me, cross-legged and hatless, on the sultry, sizzling blacktop of solvang, california anytime in july — and then we can talk about things like weather (in)tolerance.

so, the morning of the first big snowfall my husband drove me to work. when i thanked him, he smiled and said, “it’s ok, i know you’re safe.”

i truly don’t deserve his love.

as i was getting out of the car, i realized i had forgotten my cellphone at home. forlorn and dejected, i rhetorically asked what i would do at lunch time without my phone.

jonathan asked, “do you want me to bring your phone for lunch? there’s no nutritional value in it though.”

my husband is many things and he is not many things: but he is definitely punny.

*sidenote: when my phone was returned to me, it had been fully charged. that is love, people.

on friendship

” if you live to be 100,

i want to live to be 100

minus one day


so i never have to live without you.”

-joan powers

(photo by machoturbo)

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what is dark in me :: illumine ::

what is dark in me :: illumine ::


what is dark in me :: illumine ::

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