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what is dark in me :: illumine ::

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motivation proclamation

the vow

dear reader(s),

the struggle to write is real. it’s not that I lack topics, time, or motivation… but I do question the validity of a captive online audience. there was a time when I could write for myself in a diary with lined pages and a fake gold lock. there was a time when I could write quickly, and somehow quite academically, for a class. but lately, writing has felt like a show, like I put on my best vocab and elevated syntax so that you’ll have a glorious blog reading experience before scrolling to your feed’s next post.

but I also believe that my sole purpose for writing is not just for the glamour of properly punctuating with semi-colons. my ideal reader is not a superficial skimmer of pages.

I write to you to share my experiences in hopes that you will reflect on your beliefs and life story. maybe my goal is entwined with conceit — that my ideas here are even worth further thought. but isn’t that the core of all social media… that our private lives are worth public attention? that our lunch is pretty enough to become an Instagram-macro-shot-hashtag-noms? that our morning commute’s traffic delay sums up our view on humanity? that the red patent pumps we didn’t have the money to buy deserve permanence on a virtual wall with a caption that includes a sad face emoticon? we are empowered with the ability to document the grand — and also the mundane.

I am the journalist and photographer of my life. with that responsibility, I am also the editor. perhaps I am a better editor than I am creator lately. this post serves as a sort of contract between you and me, and I want to be held accountable for not/sharing the meaning I find in daily activities. I believe that small-minded people sit around and talk about other people; bigger minds talk about ideas.

and I have so many to share with you.

if you’ll keep reading.

=a.

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birds of a feather

last week, my new friend jillian unknowingly stated my life philosophy in a simple little sentence. her observation of two different kinds of people pointed to some of my biggest frustrations with social circles yet reassured me that my position is not isolated. she said that she prefers to work the law of attraction instead of the mode of promotion. she would rather allow others to approach her after recognizing her efforts to create her best self — rather than constantly tout her accomplishments in front of others to recruit like-minds. the distinction is small; but her words defined two types of people — and i hope you’ll reflect on which category you’d like to belong to.

have you ever been at a party where you listened to that one girl talk a lot… about herself? first, she tried to find common ground with you. oh, you’re from boise. cool. you smile politely. you went to school here too. sweet. throw in a slight head nod. but suddenly, her college degree led to a more lucrative career than yours, and she successfully birthed more children than you (described in immaculate detail, from method and position of conception to exact millimeters of genital tearing), and her granite countertops in her second home are cleaned professionally twice monthly.

well, that escalated quickly.

self-appointed queen of everything.
observe my bling and be jealous, minions.

and then you found a new place to sit.

let’s be kind and assume that she was genuinely interested in becoming your friend. her words — while brash and scarring — were meant only to impress you so that you would find her accomplished and interesting. she promoted her life highlights and what she considers to be important. to be fair, society does place a strong emphasis on career, family, and lifestyle afforded by money.

which is one of my biggest frustrations about socializing with the masses. fortunately, people like wise jillian exist.

here’s another scenario: you’re scooting a screeching grocery cart down an aisle that fits 0.75 cart-widths if unoccupied when you spot a lone figure ahead of you. she’s holding her shopping list in her left hand and quietly discerning between two different brands of *insert something healthy here.* she looks like she just stepped out of pinterest and you’re pretty sure you’ve seen her hairstyle on one of those pretty little liars. as you get closer, she hears your cart and you expect a frown of disgust as the front right wheel locks up (again) — but instead, you are greeted with a smile as she moves out of your way. you notice a leafy green bundle of kale in her reusable shopping sack (oh, right, yours is at home… in the pantry… holding oodles of plastic bags) and exclaim, “hey, i love kale! i use it in smoothies.” her already bright eyes twinkle under the fluorescent lights and a conversation begins. you find out that she graduated with a degree in biology but landed a job as a nutritionist at a local gym; her two school-age children will only drink their vegetables so she blends kale into a yummy breakfast “milkshake”; and you find out that you went to high school with her cousin who now manages her own cleaning business — and she could probably hook you up with a great new customer discount. as you continue shopping, you make eye contact with and smile at strangers and you sincerely thank the high school kid cashier as you leave.

was it her lovely appearance? her unabashed kindness? you were attracted to what she was: open, honest, and polished.

but wait, didn’t “i should be able to breastfeed my children anytime and anywhere with my overly engorged-with-milk boobs because i can afford organic food that’s free from GMOs” party girl also have those qualities?

but which person would you rather be? rather be friends with?

i want to embody grace. and intelligence. and integrity. i want to be those things so that you’ll want to be those things and you’ll pass on those things to other people who want to be those things. but i don’t want to be pushy, or braggy, or obnoxious because i don’t need to seek approval for what i already know to be true. i continue to grow and emanate beauty with dignity. self-improvement is the balance of appreciating your present self while also knowing you’re capable of more in the future.

i hope you’re out there attracting like minds. i hope you inspire others because you motivate and enlighten yourself. i hope you find what you’re looking for.

life: it's growing on me.
life: it’s growing on me.

excited,

a.

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