i grew up searching for insights into my personality, mindset and future by taking magazine quizzes. you know, those ones that ask you questions like:

what is your ideal friday night?

a) where my girls at? jell-o shots!

b) curling up in my favorite easy chair with a good book

c) hanging with my guy at a local eatery

d) working

after answering nine or more questions just like this, you find out if you’re a pretzel, breadstick, cinnabon, or churro. and your life is forever changed with this revelation.

fast forward to 2017 and the era of endless online quizzes that cull your social media profiles for information and also bestow mind-blowing divinations regarding who you were in your past life or what hairstyle you could tooooootally rock — as if you didn’t know.

so when i saw the quiz that analyzed my face, features, and skin color (i mean, how much more scientific can you get?) to reveal my nationality, i clicked faster than you can say “internet trolling.” in my defense, i’ve only been TOLD i am korean. no one has actually analyzed my face to confirm.

imagine my surprise when, after an eternity of watching those blue dots chase each other in a circle, this was returned:

At least Colombians still serve rice as their main meal carb, right? Maybe I’m related to Sofia Vergara after all. Now, I can walk with my true people who are allowed to be painfully averagely-good at math.

…. But really though, Colombian?  COLOMBIAN?