ramblings, rants & reflections

what is dark in me :: illumine ::


January 2017

2016: the year of many steps

new years cause me to inhale slowly and exhale nostalgia; then panic sets in because what did i really do last year and what i am really doing this year and can it already be (insert whatever year it actually is) and is it time to die already.

yesterday was the lunar new year, and i experienced the same feelings of reflection and endless possibilities — followed by chest-tightening fear that life is not a game anymore: i don’t care enough to keep score, so my chances of winning expired long ago. spectators have moved on to younger, more hopeful prospects and people who value currency in the form of human spawn. what are my experiences, really, but a just another lap around a deserted board game with dusty dice and tipped over sand timer?

this morning over genmai cha, i reviewed my scribbly notes from a mary kay event yesterday. the dichotomy of my state of mind splayed before me: how can my heart swirl in sunrises while my hands routinely claw out my grave in cold ground? i cannot continue with my misalignment and expect to succeed in 2017. affirmations of united mind, heart, and actions are my goal in the coming year, as i acknowledge that 2016 was an exploratory year for me; i reached new milestones in my identity.

2016 was an inside job. before i welcome a new year, let me share a few tidbits from the last 365+ days to appease the sentimentalist in me.

 walla walla in winter

watching hawaiian dancers on the beach in oxnard, california

jon exclaiming “i have heard 10 different languages tonight!” while walking down the las vegas strip

being told i can have the year of my dreams at mary kay seminar in dallas … but realizing it could all end with an uber ride gone wrong

cheering for red in seattle

that time my heart grew five sizes too big

exploring swan falls

determining that, you guys, my makeup is ON FLEEK thanks to mary kay

and loving my family more than i would ever, ever admit to them.

to 2017: the year i start winning.




the edge

“There’s no honest way to explain it
because the only people
who really know where it is
are the ones who have gone over.”

-Hunter S. Thompson

walking in a winter undersea

winter blues are in full swing lately. boise broke snowfall records that dated back to the 1950s. maybe this is all part of a grand conspiracy to end my idaho residency and migrate south. or maybe, the sierra nevada’s dire need for a healthy snow pack exceeded my preference to wear ankle boots year-round. 

by now, the “winter wonderland” has condensed to a dirty, crunchy mess. imagine solidifying los angeles valley smog and dropping it by truck-fuls into parking lots and side streets that even snow plows don’t dare venture.

the main roads are paralleled with another type of filthy snow that resembles types of grimy sea features. please, just return the arid desert landscape that my sweat glands have become accustomed to. 

because i’m tired of the icy sea foam with dark cavernous eyes that leaches all warmth from my breath and productivity from my schedule.

snow coral reefs abound.

icy drafts have literally carved snow into jagged, wind blown banks — likened to pointy rocks that sink ships ashore.

oh, elusive 40 degrees: hurry back. 

or i’m joining whatever wretched creatures reside in this frozen cave and relinquish all hope from my soul (if i had any, prior to this season anyhow). 

to live and die in l.a.,


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